162-0!

The Yankees won their last ever home opener last night, beating Toronto 3-2. Chien-Ming Wang allowed two runs n seven innings, Joba the Chamberlain tossed a scoreless eighth, and Mariano Rivera recorded a perfect ninth for the save. Melky Cabrera homered and made a big catch against the wall.

So for at least a few hours, the dream of 162-0 remains alive. A certain former Yankees fan (whose grandfather is likely rolling over in his grave) and I used to do this every season, so here you go. It's also worth mentioning to any Boston fans that for the moment, New York is perfect and you are not (aaaaachoooo17-14ooooooo)!

Coping With a Fraud: A 10-Step System on Dealing With 755

I found this on the blog "Sons of Sam Malone." Pretty funny.

10. Two words. Fetal. Position. It's simple really....Lay on the ground, bring hips to chest, insert thumb in mouth, shake uncontrollably, cry out things like, "I'm sorry Hank!", "Damn you Barry!", and "But needles hurt! Why!?!", and finally, let those waterworks go...

9. After you're through throwing your hissy fit, it's time for arts and crafts...All you'll need is some felt (or any cloth-like material really), a couple of googly eyes, a red marker for the bacne, a needle and thread, a large ball for an over-sized head, and something small and round for the shrunken scrotum...Put it all together and, Voila! Baroid Voodoo doll...You might not want to stab it with needles. I doubt that would really be anything out of the norm for him...

8. Get yourself a reliable pen and a piece of paper, sit down, let your emotions flow, and write the most eloquent death threat you can think up...

7. Hire the best attorney money can buy...You're going to need it when they trace said death threat back to you...Why did you handwrite the damn thing? Fool!

6. After your lawyer (see step 7) gets you off scott free (I hope you splurged on a lawyer like I suggested), go out into your front yard and yell obscenities as loud as your little vocal chords can muster...I mean scream...Let 'em fly...I'm talking Samuel L. Jackson level of profanity...I want you to be proficient in the art of cursing when you're through with this step...A virtuoso so to speak...

5. Now it's time to seriously try and convince yourself that Hank was on the juice as well...Keep repeating this over and over in your head until it sticks, "Barry's not so bad. Hank cheated too."

4. Find a sturdy, solid wall...Back up from it about 15 feet or so...Run full-speed, and ram your head through...You deserve it for ever even considering that Hank might be a cheater...You're pathetic...

3. Run to CVS, Rite Aid, Walgreens, etc., buy a Bic razor, and make sure it's sharp...You don't want to have to do this repeatedly due to a dull razor...

2. Stop. Think about your wife/girlfriend/mother/gay lover/whatever, and think about how mad they're gonna be if you ruin their carpet...and...

1. Realize that A-Rod is going to pass Baroid in a matter of time, and you need to be alive to kill yourself when that happens... (well, not me, unless A-Rod's wearing a different uniform)


In other news...

Pete Rose swears at little kids
Apparently the Army held a "Reds Legend Baseball Camp" for 7- to 14-year olds, someone thought it was a good idea to invite Pete Rose to teach the kids about baseball and life (no confirmation that Rose was also there to teach the kids how to lie for 15 years, or how to win at blackjack).

Anyway, Rose reportedly tossed out the F-bomb and S-bomb repeatedly, and told the kids "Winning is everything, and if you get second place, you're just a loser."

Great job, Pete.

McDonald's sued for using English
Apparently a lawyer in China is upset that the receipts at McDonald's in China are mostly in English. This really isn't that odd, except for the story's title. I'm be upset if receipts in the U.S. were in Chinese. Of course, Chinese isn't the world's universal language; English is.

Are the New York Yankees for sale?
More than once, I've stated that George Steinbrenner being banished by Fay Vincent was the catalyst for the Yankees' success in the late 1990s and early 2000s. The franchise was able to stop trading away young talent for older, more established players, allowing men like Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Andy Pettitte and Mariano Rivera to florish while in a Yankee uniform.

But Steinbrenner is a rare breed of player. Despite the Yankees being worth more than $1 billion (a nice investment from the $8.7 million Steinbrenner paid CBS for the team back in 1973!) and their annual payroll hovering around or above $200 million, Steinbrenner himself is only worth about $225 million. There are plenty of richer men owning baseball teams, but none of them put as much back into their team.

Now Steinbrenner's health is failing; he might be suffering from dementia. Originally his son-in-law, Steve Swindal, was to be George's successor. But when Steinbrenner's daughter filed divorce papers to split from Swindal, the future owner's position in the franchise went up in flames. Steinbrenner's two sons have little interest in running the team, so it's rumored that after George passes, his sons will start preparations to sell the team (the YES network is already being sold).

Worse yet, it's rumored than a media conglomerate like Comcast or Verizon might be interested. Now, will the head of Comcast really be as obsessed about winning as Steinbrenner is? Not a chance. The interest of owning the Yankees would be the money it can generate. Who cares if the Yankees are winning, as long as they're getting you lots of money. CBS owned the Yankees from 1964 to 1973. Total World Series titles in than span: 0. Total World Series appearances in that span: 0. Total division titles: 0. That went well.

Girl Power!

So Rags to Riches won the Belmont Stakes, the first filly to win the 1 1/2 mile endurance race since 1905. She edged out Preakness winner Curlin by a head to win the race.

So now I wonder how long it will take people to propose a match race between Rags to Riches and Kentucky Derby winner Street Sense. The Derby winner is supposedly retiring, but I doubt that would stop any speculation.

Matches used to be a pretty popular event in horse racing, with such classics as Seabiscuit and War Admiral (The Match of the Century). The event fell out of favor after the fateful match race on July 6, 1975 at Belmont Park.

The race featured the filly Ruffian, who won her first 10 races and was dubbed "Queen of the Fillies," and Foolish Pleasure, the Kentucky Derby winner. The "Battle of thew Sexes" tennis match between Billie Jean King and Bobby Riggs had taken place two years earlier, and this horse race would be dubbed "the equine battle of the Sexes."

Ruffian led by a nose after the first quarter-mile and soon extended her lead to about half a length. But then tragedy struck. Both of Ruffian's sesamoid bones in her right foreleg snapped. Her jockey, Jacinto Vasquez, tried to pull her up, but she ran on for another 50 yards, apparently unwilling to give up the race.

She was treated in surgery for 12 hours, but when the anesthesia wore off, she thrashed around, destroyed the cast and broke her other leg. She was euthanized soon after, and was buried in the infield at Belmont Park, where she got to watch another filly win the Belmont 32 years later.

A real disappointment to us all...

Indianapolis Colts' quarterback Peyton Manning was on Saturday Night Live the other night and I caught some of it. There were a few good stretches, such as the opening monologue when he introduced his father Archie Manning ("He taught me everything I know."), his brother Eli Manning ("the quarterback for the New York Giants") and his mother Olivia Manning ("She never made it in the NFL. She didn't have what it took. She got cut by th Dolphins and tried in Canada for a little bit. She's been a real disappointment to us all.") I also liked the ESPN NCAA Tournament Pool Party.

But the best bits I saw were the United Way commercial and the Maraka cartoon. The United Way commercial was a play on those TV bits, with Peyton Manning verbally insulting kids as they fail to catch his passes, teaching kids how to break into a car, and drinking a beer in front it them. The Maraka cartoon was a play on the Dora cartoons and children's interactive cartoons in general. As a father who's son gets enposed to interactive cartoon son Playhouse Disney, this was a great bit.

Still the Greatest Football Video Game

Playoffs? Don't talk about playoffs. Are you kidding me? Playoffs?

Well, it's almost two weeks late, but here we go.

I'm still not sure what I think of the Giants/Eagles playoff game. Our offense, particularly Eli Manning, looks really good in the first and last drive. If the Giants has won, converting a 2nd and 30 would have been talked about for a long time, much like the legend of the Eagles converting a 4th and 26 against the Packers in January 2004.

Everything in between...stunk. We had the ball at midfield in each of the next THREE series, and got nothing. That was unacceptable. The defense had their best game in a while, but I knew it in my heart that the Eagles were given way too much time to go downfield and score.

So now it's the offseason, the Giants have a new GM and a new offensive coordinator. We need a new QB coach, and a new defensive coordinator. We need to draft a defensive back in the first round. Also, I'm love to get Michael Turner from the Chargers, but the price will probably be too high (he's a restricted FA, so signing him will probably cost us a draft pick).

And in honor of the title of this post, here is the infamous Jim More Sr. PLAYOFFS??? rant.

The Playoffs Begin!

vs.

The Giants visit the Eagles in the first round of the NFC Playoffs at 4:30 p.m. tomorrow at Lincoln Financial Field in the City of Brotherly Love (whoever thought of that name has clearly not been to Philly in a very long time). The Giants basically backed into the playoffs at 8-8, losing six of their final eight games, while the Eagles won their last five games to win the NFC East.

All signs point to the Eagles handing it to the Giants, but here are my keys to victory for the Giants.

1. Get Barber more involved: When the Giants last played the Eagles, Tiki Barber was having success against the Eagles' run defense, considered to be among the league's worst. But around halftime, offensive coordinator John Hufnagel dropped Tiki from his prominent role in the offense and tried to win the rest of the game with the passing game. Now that pass-happy Hufnagel is gone in favor of Kevin Gilbride, one can hope that the Giants can have more success running the ball, which would keep the Eagles' defense on the field and getting tired, which would open up opportunities for Brandon Jacobs. The Eagles are expected to put eight players in the box to stop Barber, and challenge Eli Manning to beat them. Which leads to...

2. Manning needs to cut down on mistakes: Although his stats didn't neccessarily show it, Manning seems much more comfortable against Washington, probably he was no longer being asked to win the game himself. His passes were more on target, too. This needs to continue against Philadelphia. The Eagles love to blitz, which will probably open the receivers to man coverage. With big, physical players like Plaxico Burress and Jeremy Shockey (if he plays), this could be a good thing. But the blitz is meant to upset the quarterback's timing, make him uncomfortable and force him into bad throws. This is what Manning needs to improve on. If he can get the ball safely away, whether it's to the receiver or thrown away, the Eagles will have to adjust their defense, which will open up chances for Barber. If he's rushed into careless throws (like the one against the Eagles that was returned for a TD in Week 15), it will be a long day.

3. Keep the Eagles out of the end zone: It's too much to ask for the woeful Giants defense to shut down the Eagles offense. They need to be a bend but don't break defense. Hold them to field goal attempts, and keep them out of the end zone. The key to that will be limiting the Eagles on first and second down, and get them into third-and-long situations. Philadelphia will be able to convert a lot of third and short situations, but if they can force the Eagles into short passes in third and long, they can set up fourth down situations with better tackling than they have been having. It's very frustrating to see the QB dump the ball off to the RB on third down, and because of poor tackling, he gets the first.

Final Analysis: It's much more likely that the Eagles win in a blowout than the Giants winning in a blowout. The game should be a close one. With my heart, it's Giants 31, Eagles 27. With my brain, it's Eagles 27, Giants 21.

Jeffrey Maier Watch '06

The Scout starring Jeffrey Maier

Jeffrey Maier wants to be a scout for your team. The kid's been working for Peter Gammons, scouting players and compiling reports from the Cape Cod League, and he apparently interviewed with several teams at the winter meetings. Personally I'd like to see the Orioles employ him. Why? It was just be too funny.

In other news, I am hoping to see Rocky Balboa soon. I'll post a review when I do.

A Treat for any Orioles' fans

Boy Who Helped Yankees Is a Hit Again

So it turns out that a certain Jeffrey Maier just set the career hits record at Wesleyan University. Yes, I'm talking about THAT Jeffrey Maier.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Soriano refuses to play outfield in exhibition game

So ex-Yankee Alfonso Soriano struck again, actually refusing to go into the field at the start of the Washington Nationals' exhibition game against the Dodgers. The game's actually about to start, and the Nats have only eight players in the field. Now DC is threatening to petition the commissioner's office to put Jackass, I mean Soriano, on the disqualified list. If successful in this move, Soriano doesn't get paid and doesn't get credit any credit time. This means at the end of the season, he's still the Nats' property.

I loved Jackass, I mean Soriano, when he was on the Yankees. He had the big home run off Schilling in Game 7. While he was in Texas, there was talk about bringing him back to New York, and I was excited. But now... I never want to see Jackass, I mean Soriano, besmirch the pinstripes ever again. What an asshole (and a jackass, in case you didn't get it the first three times). Unless he gets his head out of his ass (by the way, he's a lousy fielder), he deserves to spend the rest of his career on the DQ list.


Teacher sorry for watching baseball in class

Why is this teacher apologizing! Hell, he's a hero! I bow down to you, unnamed Japanese teacher!


Taglia-boo!!!

NFL grand poobah Paul Tagliabue is retiring after 16 years in the top job, and everyone is saying his legacy is secured after negotiating labor peace. Yet his predecessor, Pete Rozelle, ended two strikes, fought off the USFL, oversaw the NFL-AFL merger and spend his Valentine's Day in 1978 getting the Giants a general manager. By comparison, Tagliabue has done nothing.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Monmouth pushes No. 1 Villanova to the limit

A great game. For a moment there, I was envisioning the first-ever upset of a No. 16 seed over a No. 1 seed. Monmouth got within 7 with 6:20 left in the game, and missed two subsequent 3-pointers than would have cut the deficit to just four. But in the end, they fell 58-45 to Villanova in the first round of the NCAA Tournament.

A few observations:

The game was played in Philly, Villanova's backyard. Everyone called the game a home contest for the Wildcats. But after Delic's 3 made the game 47-40 with six minutes left, the place erupted. Apparently the locals decided midgame to switch allegiances. In that case, it's a tragedy that Monmouth didn't pull off the upset. We would have seen 7-foot-2, 320 lb. Monmouth center John Bunch standing at midcourt after the game, saying (and channeling Rocky Balboa) "During the game, I've seen a lot of changing, in the way I feel about you, and the way you feel about me. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if I can change, and you can change, EVERYBODY CAN CHANGE!"

After Monmouth beat Hampton in the opening round game, coach Dave Calloway said in an interview with ESPN, "We've held our last two opponents to under 50. The next time we do that (*implying against Villanova*), the whole country is going to be talking about our defense." They cut back to the studio, and one of the analysts thought that was pretty funny. Well, Monmouth didn't hold Villanova to under 50. The Wildcats scored eight more points. just eight.

It's amazing the difference in the way the different sides perceive this game. Read the Asbury Park Press story or the AP story, and you read about how Monmouth played a good game and gave Villanova some trouble. Read the game coverage in the Philadelphia Inquirer, and they refer to Monmouth as "awful" and "never got much better." They give Monmouth no credit for Villanova shooting just 30.8 perecent and committing 12 turnovers. Which is further proof that Philadelphia sucks.


Got $2.95?

The Asbury Park Press now has a story archive dating back to 1999, and you can access all my stories online. Individual stories cost $2.95 to view, or you can get a discount by buying in bulk.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Monmouth's Kenny talks brash about Eagles' (huh?) chances against Villanova

Chris Kenny has earned the right to talk. He hit the game-winning layup in the NEC Championship Game against Fairly Ridiculous (also known as Fairleigh Dickinson) University, then hit on 6-of-9 3-pointers in the Hawks' 71-49 NCAA Opening Round victory against Hampton. Plus, his comments are hilarous, especially when he's talking about Central Jersey associating with the tough New York mentality.

On a related note, I somehow managed to encounter a Hampton University alum at the elementary school I teach at. What are the odds of a Monmouth fan getting to stare at a Hampton fan in the middle of Maryland and say, "We beat you last night!"

By the way, ESPN, it's the Hawks, not the Eagles.


Stephon Cries Foul

Little makes me giddier than to see the New York Knicks in the state that they are in. It's easily the best drama in the NBA right now, and I'm wondering how far away we are from seeing Marbury and Brown recreating the finale of War of the Roses, with Brown as Michael Douglas and Marbury as Kathleen Turner.

Play-IN???

Hawks are playing-in the Tournament

So Monmouth, my proud alma mater, is playing Hampton in the play-in game on Tuesday night. They say that Monmouth is in the NCAA Tournament, but then why is this a play-IN game? That would suggest that you need to win to get IN the tournament. Good to see progress has brought us back where we were in the late 80s, when the NEC champion played the Patriot League champion for a berth in the NCAA Tournament.

On the other hand, the annual NEC/Patriot League battle was never televised on national television. Maybe being on ESPN will give Monmouth a recruiting boost. If they win, that is.


Penn State selected to NIT, will host opener

You might think it's hard to get excited about the NIT when I have a team in the Big Dance, but this is Penn State's first postseason appearance since a Sweet 16 run in 2000. Penn State was pretty tough in the NIT years ago. Probably not this year (although a Penn State-Maryland matchup would be fun), but it shows progression in the program.

America bombs Japan!

Good to see a Yankee come through clutch, especially A-Rod. Japan is pissed about the umpiring on a tag-up call at home, but it was the home plate guy's call (spoken like a true umpire!). I wonder what went down in the umpire conference, though. The response should not have been "It was my call to make, not his." It should have been "This was the right call." Although I'm happy about the USA win (and contrary to most opinions, I like the WBC), I hope the umps didn't screw up a game because of seniority.