Coping With a Fraud: A 10-Step System on Dealing With 755

I found this on the blog "Sons of Sam Malone." Pretty funny.

10. Two words. Fetal. Position. It's simple really....Lay on the ground, bring hips to chest, insert thumb in mouth, shake uncontrollably, cry out things like, "I'm sorry Hank!", "Damn you Barry!", and "But needles hurt! Why!?!", and finally, let those waterworks go...

9. After you're through throwing your hissy fit, it's time for arts and crafts...All you'll need is some felt (or any cloth-like material really), a couple of googly eyes, a red marker for the bacne, a needle and thread, a large ball for an over-sized head, and something small and round for the shrunken scrotum...Put it all together and, Voila! Baroid Voodoo doll...You might not want to stab it with needles. I doubt that would really be anything out of the norm for him...

8. Get yourself a reliable pen and a piece of paper, sit down, let your emotions flow, and write the most eloquent death threat you can think up...

7. Hire the best attorney money can buy...You're going to need it when they trace said death threat back to you...Why did you handwrite the damn thing? Fool!

6. After your lawyer (see step 7) gets you off scott free (I hope you splurged on a lawyer like I suggested), go out into your front yard and yell obscenities as loud as your little vocal chords can muster...I mean scream...Let 'em fly...I'm talking Samuel L. Jackson level of profanity...I want you to be proficient in the art of cursing when you're through with this step...A virtuoso so to speak...

5. Now it's time to seriously try and convince yourself that Hank was on the juice as well...Keep repeating this over and over in your head until it sticks, "Barry's not so bad. Hank cheated too."

4. Find a sturdy, solid wall...Back up from it about 15 feet or so...Run full-speed, and ram your head through...You deserve it for ever even considering that Hank might be a cheater...You're pathetic...

3. Run to CVS, Rite Aid, Walgreens, etc., buy a Bic razor, and make sure it's sharp...You don't want to have to do this repeatedly due to a dull razor...

2. Stop. Think about your wife/girlfriend/mother/gay lover/whatever, and think about how mad they're gonna be if you ruin their carpet...and...

1. Realize that A-Rod is going to pass Baroid in a matter of time, and you need to be alive to kill yourself when that happens... (well, not me, unless A-Rod's wearing a different uniform)


In other news...

Pete Rose swears at little kids
Apparently the Army held a "Reds Legend Baseball Camp" for 7- to 14-year olds, someone thought it was a good idea to invite Pete Rose to teach the kids about baseball and life (no confirmation that Rose was also there to teach the kids how to lie for 15 years, or how to win at blackjack).

Anyway, Rose reportedly tossed out the F-bomb and S-bomb repeatedly, and told the kids "Winning is everything, and if you get second place, you're just a loser."

Great job, Pete.

McDonald's sued for using English
Apparently a lawyer in China is upset that the receipts at McDonald's in China are mostly in English. This really isn't that odd, except for the story's title. I'm be upset if receipts in the U.S. were in Chinese. Of course, Chinese isn't the world's universal language; English is.

Are the New York Yankees for sale?
More than once, I've stated that George Steinbrenner being banished by Fay Vincent was the catalyst for the Yankees' success in the late 1990s and early 2000s. The franchise was able to stop trading away young talent for older, more established players, allowing men like Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Andy Pettitte and Mariano Rivera to florish while in a Yankee uniform.

But Steinbrenner is a rare breed of player. Despite the Yankees being worth more than $1 billion (a nice investment from the $8.7 million Steinbrenner paid CBS for the team back in 1973!) and their annual payroll hovering around or above $200 million, Steinbrenner himself is only worth about $225 million. There are plenty of richer men owning baseball teams, but none of them put as much back into their team.

Now Steinbrenner's health is failing; he might be suffering from dementia. Originally his son-in-law, Steve Swindal, was to be George's successor. But when Steinbrenner's daughter filed divorce papers to split from Swindal, the future owner's position in the franchise went up in flames. Steinbrenner's two sons have little interest in running the team, so it's rumored that after George passes, his sons will start preparations to sell the team (the YES network is already being sold).

Worse yet, it's rumored than a media conglomerate like Comcast or Verizon might be interested. Now, will the head of Comcast really be as obsessed about winning as Steinbrenner is? Not a chance. The interest of owning the Yankees would be the money it can generate. Who cares if the Yankees are winning, as long as they're getting you lots of money. CBS owned the Yankees from 1964 to 1973. Total World Series titles in than span: 0. Total World Series appearances in that span: 0. Total division titles: 0. That went well.